As I begin to write this post, I am playing thee incredible India Arie "I am not my Hair"in the background. For those who have not listened to the song, I highly recommend it before you read this blog. To many, hair plays an important role in a persons life and in some cultures, hair is considered as a womxn's crown. It is more than just a way to show our personalities. Hair has a significant element in those of different cultures. We often spend money styling, cutting, and coloring our hair to express our individuality. For those who personally know me, knows that the last two years of my life have consisted of constant hair changes. However, during all of those changes, my hair was remained the same length or longer. If I did cut my hair, it was at shoulders length, still giving me room to easily put my hair in a bun and "call it a day."
With my long hair with loose curls, I was often "complimented" with the term "good hair". The term "good hair" is a westernized term to describe hair textures that were similar to European or Western cultures. Ideally, the more straight the hair was, the "prettier it is." Thus creating hair discrimination among other cultures (but if you want to be real, we all know what culture it discriminates against *rolls eyes*). Although I do not have room to speak on hair discrimination, I am aware of the privilege held for me growing up as it relates to hair texture. I did not have to make much effort into styling my hair to look "professional" in work settings. It was easy to hide behind my hair, using it as a void to embrace myself as whole. I often depended my looks solely based on how my hair looked. However, in order for myself to fully bloom to the person I want to be, I have love myself from the root up. Cutting my hair blossomed me to become the sunflower I was meant to be.
Ever since I was young, I was told that it is essential to have long hair. The longer your hair, the prettier you are. Long hair was looked upon in my family. It was so important that where was even a discreet competition between my cousin and I. Although she won (as she should because I did not care at all), I was always judged for not having long enough hair. It was not until the summer of 2016 when I did my first chop. It was the shortest my hair has been. It was up to my shoulders. When I first got it done, I was beyond shocked at the curl pattern. My hair was more bouncy than usual. At that time I did not know much about hair at which led to my hair being very unhealthy and dry. This caused me to learn more about my hair and how to take care of it. After a year and a half, my hair went through many transformations (an ombre of blonde, then bleaching my hair fully blonde, then dying my hair black over my bleach hair like I was saving it). This caused my hair to have three different colors, which was cute I will admit, but it damaged my hair so much. I kept changing my hair because I was never happy with my look. Despite the compliments I was given on and off social media, I always felt unattractive in many ways.
During the first COVID lockdown, I spent my time dissecting who I was as an individual. I realized that I have low self esteem and no confidence. As previously mentioned, I used my hair as a void as "self-love". How my hair was styled was a representation of how I viewed myself. I often had my hair styled into a bun 89% of the time, not making any effort into detangling through my hair. This represented how I did not take care of myself physically, or mentally. I struggled with poor mental health until after Graduate school (which is funny within itself because my concentration in Grad school was Health, Mental Health & Disabilities). I focused more on bettering my mental health and overall well being because to be real, how can you provide mental health tips if you do not have good mental health yourself. The more I learned about myself, I learned more about my wants and needs. I wanted to start brand new, I wanted to be reborn. To start from the concrete. I wanted to let go, to release, to start over, to heal. I felt like I was developing into the person I wanted to be, but was holding so much from my past in my hair. It was time to let go of that pain.
This was an idea I had since August. After thinking for three months. I finally decided to get the cut instead of thinking of fantasizing . I was very hesitant with the cut because I did not think I would look cute. But thats the purpose of cutting my hair! to start new and love myself with starting something new. Im grateful the haircut fits me! Ever since I started this new journey, I learned so much about myself. I learned to love myself more. I noticed feeling more confident in everything I do. I put more effort into my hair, I started taking care of myself more from the cut. I see so much growth within myself just from letting go! So to end my blog, like my good sis India said: "I am not my hair, I am not my skin, I am the soul that lives within." I am an authentic soul who found her place in this world. I am beautiful, I am soulful, I am me. Thats the best I can be. Remember that you are loved, youre amazing, and youre needed in this world. Thank you for reading. To healing!
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