^ This is 5 year old Reej.
I always came across this one particular photo all over the internet. It was a photo of a man standing before a screen with the words "Be who you needed when you were younger". I first came across this photo on tumblr (ah yes, tumblr, the social that many used during our high school careers that gave memories that till this day we still quote, the snapback and Jordans era). Tumblr for me opened myself to a lot of emotions from the corny memes, to the very meaningful quotes from famous movies that I refuse to watch because I cannot sit for more than an hour watching anything. That being said, when I first came across this picture 9 years ago, 16 year old me did not comprehend the meaning of the powerful quote and the importance it had until now.
I mentioned in my last blog ( which you should check out after this one if you havent already) that I was under the impression that I was healing when I really wasnt. I constantly told myself I was healing from my trauma when I was not putting any effort to acknowledge the pain I have endured or even process any feelings that I had. I never took accountability for the harm I have caused others and myself. I would automatically say sorry to the other person because I did not know how to handle conflict and often avoided it,resulting in more harm.I never gave myself the chance to forgive myself for how I was treating myself. My mental health was not properly taken care of. I didn't take care of myself. I didn't love myself. I didn't know how too. I didn't know how to take the first steps, or even acknowledge how to heal..until one important night.
I moved backed home Mid-March due to COVID. Since then, I have been learning so much about myself. Although many did not enjoy Quarantine, I found it beneficial because it has taught me to confront the negative thoughts I had about myself and my "demons inside me" . I started to journal whenever I felt uncomfortable in certain situations, but I was never consistent because I just didn't know how to actually put into words how I was feeling. The sadness and unprocessed feelings was bottled up inside me until I emotional couldn't anymore. I remember just crying, questioning why things have not gone right within my life. I felt like I wasn't doing enough. I remember just crying, and not stopping. I remember my heart being so heavy yet the heaviness didn't disappear after I cried. After a fail attempt of journaling and questioning why I haven't felt better, I decided to take a late night shower to help me calm down and provide a safer space for me to release. I released and released, yet I still had this pain of sadness. I started saying positive affirmations as a way to motivate myself to feel better. When saying the affirmations the thought of "be who you needed when you were younger" suddenly popped in my head. I started to say that quote over and over, and the more I said, the heavier my heart felt, the more tears fell on my face. I realized that this is the quote I needed to hear. I needed to comfort the one thing that has been broken...my inner child. After my wonderful crying session in the shower, I proceeded to write in my journal. I decided to write a letter to my younger self.
If anyone has known me since I was in middle school, I applaud you for sticking around. Whenever the conversation of middle school/high school was mentioned, I would cringe and become so uncomfortable with the topic. I was ashamed of who I was when I was younger. I did not like who I was when I was younger. I was always this loud, hyper girl who was often referred as annoying and a "crybaby" because I was more sensitive than most. I often avoided talking about my younger self because of how she was, not knowing that she played an important role into who I am today. When writing in my journal, I acknowledge the pain and hurt I received. I apologized to myself. I apologized for everything. I apologized for being so ashamed of my younger self. When I tell you, I felt like my soul was free..I felt at peace. I released so much pain. I did not realize that I was holding so much in. I felt an urge in my heart to change. I felt like this was my wake up call to life. That I have been living in a delusion of what I want and who I am. I had this calling of who Im suppose to be. I finally was reborn, with my purpose.
After releasing my deep thoughts and feelings, I decided to make a promise to my younger self, to heal my inner child. If I can heal my inner child I can finally move forward in my healing process. After journaling, I researched ways to heal the wounded inner child. One way to heal and start my spiritual journey. Although, there are moments where I fall apart, I always tend to remember that quote that changed my entire life. After that day, I decided to live for me. I decided to do things that made me happy as a child. I would do shadow work to work on things that affected me in the past. I know Im nowhere near perfect, but Im currently working to be the best authentic self I can be. And thats all I can do while being accountable. To those who are still reading, try to connect with your younger self. What did you need when you were younger? Are you becoming who you needed? What are you doing to heal. Healing is linear, there are going to be days where you feel low and others when you're doing amazing. But, keep going. Your younger self is calling for you. You're loved, wanted, and you make a difference. Thank you for being on this journey. I love you, always. To healing.
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