[Image above: Tweet from @indiejanee via Twitter App]
[TW: Death, Police Brutality; Please take care of yourself when needed while reading this blog.]
Reflecting on the emotional draining 365 days we had, I came to a realization that 2020 as not the best of years. To be completely honest, I am struggling even to write a blog on this topic due to the unexpected events that have occurred. Although many amazing things have happened to me this year, that I am grateful for, there is always a little bit of sorrow in me when achieving something. From careers, to personal development and relationships.I often found myself in a constant spiral of progression and retrogression.There are many unsettled feelings within me when processing this year . I promised myself to always be honest and authentic with myself, even when the topics are difficult to discuss. In this blog, you will learn about the biggest lessons I have learned from this unexpected, but important year.
Starting from Kobe Bryant's death, there has been so much grievance. Death was one of the main topics of the year that I was forced to cope with (like many others unfortunately). I never really understood the concept of death due to never experiencing a loved one passing until this year. I have experienced others cope with the passing of a love one,however, I did not know how to provide support in that area. Many of my loved ones who were learning to cope had a family member who was dealing with a life threatening illness, a sudden death, or even both. I would often just tell the individual that I would be there, not knowing how to provide empathy because I simply could not relate. In my Graduate studies, I remember taking a "Coping with Life Threatening Illness" course to better assist me in working with individuals during their last stages of life. Throughout the entire course however, I often found myself at a standstill, confused about the information presented to me. I have always processed death differently depending on the person and the situation given. When I heard of individuals I had class with or spoke to in Undergraduate passing away, I would often feel numb to the passing, not showing any sign of sadness. However, when hearing of a friend or family member losing a loved one, I would often become sad, but hopeless in helping them, not knowing what to do and becoming frustrated because of the lack of support I have given.
It was not until September when I lost a childhood friend of mine (May his soul rest in peace, his sins be forgiven and is given the highest rank in Heaven) when I learned the proper meaning of grieving. How it felt to lose someone dear to you. Learning that grieving is not a once in a lifetime process, but it is an ongoing cycle of emotions. We have to be kind to ourselves during difficult times, and allow ourselves to feel the emotions that we are feeling. To whoever is grieving right now, I see you, I feel you, I hear you. There are going to be moments in which everything is going to be okay, and there are moments where you are not going to be okay, and that is okay within itself. Please continue to be kind to yourself and process and grieve on your own time. We are all human in one way or another.
Along with the lessons given to me during 2020, I have received blessings as well. I learned so much about myself through the trials and tests given to me. I experienced a birthday in New York City. I graduated from my dream school and obtained a Masters in Social Work. I started a spiritual journey in which I dissected myself and still am learning to heal and love myself. I created ReviewswithReej which unlocked more potential that I had and even increased my self esteem. I also became a Licensed Social Worker. I am continuing to be my authentic self while being accountable for my actions. Overall, 2020 have been a year of lessons and blessing, however the biggest lesson given to me (that I am still learning) is forgiveness.
[SN: this is solely based on my own personal experience and observation, this is not advice.]
Forgiveness is key- When I say forgiveness, I do not mean forgiving the other person. You have to forgive yourself. You can forgive the other person, however if you are going to forgive the other person, you have to forgive when you are fully ready and are at ease with forgiving. You have to forgive yourself before forgiving anyone else. You have to forgive yourself for how you treated yourself, others, and how you were treated. Finding forgiveness within yourself is something that I am struggling with currently, however, I am learning that I am human and I, too deserve the love and support I give. I am currently learning to forgive individuals who have caused harm. I am learning that everyone has trauma, whether it is resolved or not. Many individuals were not able to process their emotions or have the proper services provided to them. I am learning that many people have used defense mechanisms to protect themselves and cope from trauma. Forgiveness is also a journey within itself, so it is important to take your time when forgiving yourself or others. ANGER AND OTHER EMOTIONS ARE OKAY WHEN FORGIVING SOMEONE. It is okay to feel rage when forgiving! The toxic positivity mindset only hurt individuals and dismisses them from fully processing their feelings. When feeling rage, how you go about using rage is what difference from helpful, to hurtful. Although I myself am struggling with forgiveness, I have made it a 2021 goal for myself to learn to forgive myself and others.
Reflecting on 2020 taught me more about myself than I ever did, and although I am not sure what 2021 has for me, I know that I will continue to heal, grow, and love. Thank you so much for taking out the time to read. Please remember that you are loved, needed, and appreciated in this world. No one can be you and that is your gift. To healing.
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